When you're stressed or angry it's harder to stay calm and in control, but, learning to recognise your own behaviour can help you to stop future arguments from getting out of hand.

Which of these do you do:

• bottle things up and then have a rant?
• get overwhelmed by your feelings?
• sulk or give the silent treatment?

Think about a recent argument you had with your partner and think about these questions:

• what did you do?
• how do you think that made your partner feel?
• what did your partner do in response?
• how did that make you feel?
• if you have children, how do you think it made them feel?

Learning to recognise your own behaviour can help you stop future arguments from getting out of hand.

When we regularly use harmful ways to communicate, it can start to affect our relationship. To protect our relationships it's important to recognise when we're using harmful communication so we can find a different approach.

Criticism in communication

What poor communication looks like:
Criticism is not the same as complaining. It's a direct attack on your partner.
'You only think about yourself'.

How you can protect against it:
Try starting a sentence with 'I...' and asking for what you need.
'I was worried last night. I'd like it if you could text me when you're going to be late.'

Contempt in communication

What poor communication looks like:
Contempt is when we're deliberately being mean. We might use name-calling, sarcasm or roll our eyes to show we're not interested.

How you can protect against it:
Try to focus on what you love about each other. Look for opportunities to pay each other compliments and do things together that you both enjoy.

Defensiveness in communication

What poor communication looks like:
Defensiveness is usually a response to criticism. We deflect blame onto the other person. 'I've been busy. Why couldn't you do it?'

How you can protect against it:
Try to see things from each other's point of view. Take responsibility and say sorry when you're in the wrong.

Stonewalling in communication

What poor communication looks like:
Stonewalling is when we get so overwhelmed that we shut down completely, blanking our partner or walking out of the room.

How you can protect against it:
Try to be good to yourself. Take some time out to do something relaxing and enjoyable.

Knowing how to argue in a constructive way can make all the difference to your relationships.

Arguing better is a free online course to help you manage difficult conversations, avoid conflict, and improve things for your whole family.

You will learn:

• where stress comes from and how it can affect you
• ways to recognise stress and talk about it
• how to support each other through difficult times
• what causes arguments and how to stop them.

To access the Arguing Better programme follow this link Parent guide for England (oneplusone.org.uk)

At times it can be difficult to think about our relationships with others. If you feel you would like to access support for your relationship with your partner or ex-partner to reduce conflict but feel you would like additional support to be able to do this we may be able to help you.

To find out more about additional support that may be available to you, please contact your local family hub and a member of the Early Help Team will be in contact with you.