A) Provoking your child's other parent
If you add to the other parent's stress or anxiety, it can have a direct impact on your child. A parent feeling overwhelmed will struggle to meet their child's needs.
Try instead to put your decisions through 'The Child Test'. Ask yourself; 'How might this affect my child?'
B) Competing to be the favourite parent
Most children just want their parents' time and attention. Competing with your child's other parent can pull focus away from doing what's best for your child.
Try instead to focus on what your child needs from you. Ask yourself; 'Am I doing this for my child's best interest? Or for another reason?'
C) Badmouthing your child's other parent
When one parent badmouths the other, your child can feel forced to choose sides. As a result they may avoid telling you about problems to do with their other parent.
Try instead to focus on finding solutions to the problem. If you really need to vent, call someone you trust. Just make sure your child does not overhear.
D) Not letting your child talk about the other parent
It can be painful to hear your child talk about their other parent. But if children think what they're saying is upsetting you, they will start to censor themselves around you.
Try instead to remember that your child still loves their other parent. Try to show interest and say something positive. And smile, even if you're not feeling it!
A) Spy
Asking your child about their other parent can make them feel like a spy. They might fear they're betraying them or just say what they think you want to hear.
Try instead: stick to general questions. If you find yourself asking more specific ones, like about their new partner, ask yourself why you really want to know and how it might make your child feel.
B) Messenger
Asking children to pass messages back and forth puts them in an uncomfortable position. They may worry that whatever they do, it'll upset one of their parents.
Try instead: if it's not easy to talk to each other, could you ask someone neutral to join a chat group between you both?
They might help keep things calm and respectful.
C) Counsellor
If you're seeking emotional support from your child, it can put them under pressure to make you feel better. It's not their job to give you support.
Try instead: if your child sees you're upset you can tell them how you're feeling. But let them know that you'll be okay and they do not need to worry.
D) Mediator
It can be extremely upsetting for children to see their parents arguing with each other. They may feel the need to try and solve the problem which is too much responsibility for children.
Try instead: let them know these are problems for adults to solve. Reassure them that you both still love them, even though you're not together anymore.
Separating can be difficult for everyone involved. If you feel you would like more support there are free programmes available through oneplusone that you can complete independently online. The programme 'Getting it Right for Children' helps parents develop effective ways to co-operate after separation. It can help you to develop positive communication skills, so that you can sort out disagreements and find solutions together.
You will learn:
- how to stay calm and listen as well as talk
- why it’s helpful to see things from a different point of view
- what to do to stop a discussion from turning into an argument
- skills for finding solutions and making compromises
To access 'Getting it Right for Children' click the link here Parent guide for England (oneplusone.org.uk).
At times it can be difficult to think about our relationships with others. If you feel you would like to access support for your relationship with your partner or ex-partner to reduce conflict, but feel you would like additional support to be able to do this we may be able to help you.
During February and March there are free weekly mindfulness and wellbeing sessions ('harmony through family change') for parents and children experiencing the challenges of separation, or divorce.
To find out more about additional support that may be available to you, please contact your local family hub and a member of the Early Help Team will contact you to chat.
Separating better is a mobile app designed to support separating parents and help you to create a positive environment for co-parenting.
Watch the new separating better animation to show you how to use the app.
Their app offers expert guidance and practical solutions for families navigating separation. It's designed for parents to use independently.